A Whale of a Tale
by Shenlong no Miko
Summary: When the G-boys and their girlfriends hit the beach, mayhem and laughter is sure to ensue.


1.1 A WHALE OF A TALE  
  
By our esteemed editor who finally got her shot at glory, and blew it, (j/k) Joanna!  
  
1.1.1 Part I  
  
Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! I am proud to present the one!, the only!, the ultimate Space Age acting group… "The G- String"! Brought to you by the G-boys themselves: Wufei, Dou, Trowa, Quatre, and Heero!!  
  
*G-boys (minus one) enter from back stage wearing tuxes. Yes, tuxes!! And ties! Don't spaz out yet die hard fans! There is another, BIG surprise in store. They are… its all too much… WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Wufei: Tonight's production is very special to us because it is based on a true story…  
  
Dou: *Running through the crowd, trying to get to the stage, followed closely by Heather, Ash, and Joanna on skateboards. All are dressed like tourists in fishing hats, sunglasses, Hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, sandals, and are carrying cameras* You guys are lucky. This story that Wufei is telling you…  
  
Wufei: WAS telling you!!!  
  
Dou: *Without missing a beat*… is totally righteous!  
  
Trowa: *Under his breath to Quatre* Righteous?!  
  
Quatre: Fashionably late again Duo?!  
  
Duo: I wouldn't say fashionably.  
  
Heather: What are you saying?  
  
Duo: I'm saying Hawaiian shirts are not a good look for you!  
  
Trowa: Don't talk to Heather that way! I need new dialog! Writhers, you're FIRED!!!  
  
Ash: Trowa, there's something I've been meaning to tell you… *Gulps loudly*  
  
Trowa: YOU STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR DIDN'T YOU??!!?? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?!  
  
Ash: Have you been consorting with elephants again? *Honks his rubber nose affectionately*  
  
Trowa: That was before they put me on Prozac. Now I've discovered seals.  
  
Ash: As comforting as that is, you have to know the truth. Trowa, you might want to sit down.  
  
*Trowa plops down in front of Ash like a five-year-old*  
  
Ash: Your writers are not exactly trained professionals. *Trowa's lip twitches, and his eyes tear up* They are… *Everybody in the theater falls silent. The kind of silence that… oh never mind!*  
  
Joanna: ASIAN MONKEYS!!!!  
  
Trowa: *Dangerously quiet* My writers are… monkeys?! I'm okay. I am in control. The sun will come out tomorrow.  
  
Heather: Way to put it delicately, Joanna.  
  
Joanna: I thought he already knew. If you found yourself saying things about bananas every four seconds, wouldn't you think, "My writers must be monkeys!"?  
  
Heather: Noooo. I would think, "Gosh, I have a major potassium deficiency."  
  
Ash: And that's what makes you special.  
  
Quatre: *Sings to himself* I believe I can fly. I got shot by the FBI. All I wanted was some onion rings. And a burger from Burger King.  
  
*Dou jumps off the stage into the audience (no one catches him) and leads everyone in a "new and improved" version of YMCA*  
  
Narrator: Wufei, your infamous motorcycle is parked outside, I presume?  
  
Wufei: Not tonight. We brought the tour bus.  
  
Narrator: Can I have your tour bus keys? I lost mine. *Snatches the keys from Wufei's outstretched hands, and runs, as if for dear life, through the wall of the theater*  
  
Wufei: *Turns to Quatre and laughs good-naturedly* He doesn't have a tour bus. Won't he feel stupid when he realizes that…*the sound of a car zooming away at breakneck speed stops him in mid sentence*  
  
Heero: That went well.  
  
Dou: Ladies and Gentlemen! In light of recent events beyond MY control, that were totally Wufei's fault, I will be your Narrator this evening. On behalf of "The G-String", I would like to welcome you to tonight's production of "A WHALE OF A TALE: The True Story About Sand."  
  
*The curtain opens to reveal "The G-String" actors…*  
  
Heather: AND ACTRESSES!!!  
  
Ash: Do you want the scene to be set or not?!  
  
Heather: It's a new millennium, Ash! Women are the supreme beings! Now the scene may be set.  
  
*As I was saying, the curtain opens to reveal "The G-Sting" actors and ACTRESSES sun bathing on the beach*  
  
Wufei: *Obviously scooping for chicks* So many bikinis… so little time!!  
  
Heather: *Before Ash can beat the ever loving snot of him* I don't know how you can stand the temptation!  
  
Joanna: Makes you wanna play tackle football with them, doesn't it?  
  
*Everybody looks up shocked. Except Duo, he is focused on the lifeguard tower*  
  
Ash: Is there something you want to tell us? Something about closets?  
  
Joanna: Chill guys! There is not, never was, and never will be curves in my line. I was talking about those lifeguards. *Points to a parade of very fine, Speedo clad men practicing saving lives a few feet away*  
  
Ash: Praise the Lord!! *Gawks at the hotties*  
  
Wufei: I'm still here!  
  
Ash: Ladies, did you here something? It almost sounded like Bikini Boy was speaking to us lowly, unattractive, ONE PIECE loving creatures.  
  
Heather: You must be dreaming. If you aren't in a bikini, you don't deserve to live. What do you say Joanna? Joanna?!  
  
Joanna: *Practically swimming in drool* I'm sorry. Were you saying something?  
  
Heather: I swear! We get no respect!  
  
Ash: I don't know which is worse… Bikini Boy or Speedo Slut over there.  
  
Dou: *Clapping his hands blissfully* Awww the hotties are swimming! How indescribably adorable!  
  
*All heads turn to Dou, all eyes pop out of their sockets, all jaws drop to the ground. Duo grins sheepishly, pretends his fingers are a phone, and snaps…*  
  
Duo: Houston, we have a problem! The hotcakes are simmering, and the syrup isn't pourable!  
  
Trowa: *Lifting his sunglasses on top of his head. Amazingly, his hair still looks picture perfect when the sunglasses are in place. But that's just Trowa* Hotcakes huh? Nice save, Dou!  
  
Dou: *Blows his fingertips and wipes them across his T-shirt (Yes!! Dou IS wearing a shirt! And the peasants rejoice!!) in mock superiority. Remarks smugly…* My brilliance never ceases to amaze me. *He does that gay hand thingy and whimpers in a valley girl voice…* Like oh my God! Did I just say that out loud?! *Notices his hand* Bad hand!!  
  
Ash: Better be careful, Dou. You're making Heero jealous!!  
  
Heero: I wouldn't touch Dou with a bazillion foot pole! *Heero turned over and resumed tanning*  
  
Wufei: But you gotta admit, Heero, he would look damn fine in one of those bikinis!!!  
  
Ash: *Disgustedly* Barney the Dinosaur would turn you on if he was in a bikini.  
  
Dou: *Delightedly* Barney's here?!  
  
Wufei: *Ignoring Dou's spasm of excitement* Now THAT'S my kind of dinosaur!!  
  
Ash: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A KIND OF DINOSUAR!! WHEN WHERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THIS?! AFTER I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME?!?!?!  
  
Trowa: *Stepping between the now silent couple. Wufei looked as if the person he loved most in the world had slapped him in the face with a semi full of yodeling poodles, which, ironically, Ash was imagining doing at that very second, as she clenched and unclenched her fists in anger and embarrassment* Okay kids! Calm down!!!  
  
Dou: *Suddenly realizing that Heero had insulted his *shudders* "sexiness"* You don't think that I can get a lifeguard?!  
  
Trowa: Do you want an honest answer Dou?!  
  
Dou: I can't believe this!! My best friends doubt my suaveness?!  
  
Trowa: *Under his breath to Quatre* Did we even say we where his friends to begin with?!  
  
Wufei: Suaveness? Who do you think you are? James Bond?  
  
Dou: Of course not! I'm Michael Jackson! Get with the program, Jellybeans!!  
  
Wufei: Michael Jackson isn't dead yet?! *Seeing Dou's wounded look* I mean, from all those surgeries. Er… oh you mean that Michael Jackson!! I thought you where talking about my sword maker's brother-in-law's plumber's grandfather's lawyer's optometrist's hair dresser's nephew's second grade teacher's first cousin twice removed's librarian's cat. Somebody needs to shut me up.  
  
Ash: *Crawls into his lap* I'll make you do more that that!!  
  
Wufei: Not until you put on a bikini!  
  
Elvis: *Who says there can't be Elvis sightings in anime?!* Hey there sonny! You seem to be diggin' a pretty big hole. Would you mind boppin' over to the kitchen and makin' me a peanut butter sandwich?!  
  
Writers: Dou!! Don't you ever take our pencil again!! Elvis of all things! We apologize to our beloved audience! Dou cannot control himself around lifeguards.  
  
Heather: Was Elvis just here?  
  
Dou: *Guiltily* I think you have had a little too much sun. I'm gonna do it!!  
  
Trowa: Does that sound as wrong over there as it did over here?  
  
Dou: I'm gonna prove to you that I can get a lifeguard!!  
  
Trowa: Would you mind finishing a conversation before starting a new one? Some of us are not on your level!!  
  
Dou: You have to be a lifeguard to be on MY level!!  
  
Joanna: Among other things!  
  
Ash: *Glaring daggers at Wufei* Come on people. We must accompany Dou… to make sure he behaves himself.  
  
*With Dou in the lead, the rest of the pilots reluctantly following, and the girls gleefully imagining Dou's miserable failure, they prepare to enter the ocean. Unfortunately, surprise awaits them at every turn!!*  
  
Part II  
  
*Audience returns to the auditorium after the twenty minute (gotta give all the women a chance to use the facilities) intermission grumbling to themselves, each other, and the sleeping husband of the woman sitting six rows back about the refreshments*  
  
Random person #1: *Fake British accent* I do say, I was quite appalled by the selection of beverages. Wouldn't you agree Beatrice dahling? * Tilts her head towards the woman beside her, who's name wasn't Beatrice at all. In fact, she was actually the evil Emperor Zurg in disguise, and…*  
  
Buzz Lightyear: Well, Sheriff, the premiere of Toy Story 33 1/3 certainly is a bigger deal than I was expecting.  
  
Woody: *Glancing nervously at Bo Peep's sheep who was chewing on his tie* I hope it's not a black tie event.  
  
Writers: DOU!!!! What did we tell you about taking our pencil?  
  
Dou: B…B…But that was in Part 1!  
  
Heather: And I thought that he would get smarter in Part 2.  
  
Ash: You thought wrong!! The day Dou gets smarter is the day Hell freezes over.  
  
Satan: *Gliding by on ice skates in a formation that would make Olympic gold medallists green with envy, and singing in a pleasant voice…* I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. *Beams a beady-eyed stare at Ash* Were you expecting Bob?  
  
Ash: I was suspected a plot twist, but you're a bit much.  
  
Satan: Well excuse me!! *Skates away haughtly*  
  
Bob: *Running up Ash gasping for breath* Sorry I'm late!!  
  
Ash: *Not acknowledging Bob's existence in the least* Holy crap!!! I just offended Satan!!!!  
  
Wufei: *Smiling innocently at Ash* What about Bob?  
  
Ash: What about Bob? *Returns briskly* *Ash is obviously still pissed about the whole bikini thing*  
  
Bob: *Timidly* You weren't expecting me?  
  
Ash: *Pats Bob's shoulder sympathetically* Do you always listen to what Satan tells you to do?  
  
Dou: *Pushing a cart with a baseball cap* HOT DOGS!!!! GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE!!!!! BUY THEM WHILE THERE HOT!!!  
  
Bob: Is that… WALKING BRAID… really trying to sell hot dogs?  
  
Heather: Walking Braid… cute. I'm going to have to write that one down!  
  
Duo: *Whips out the writer's pencil* Your pencil, My Lady. *Tries to bow, but curtsies instead, and winds up tripping over his braid*  
  
Heather: *Shaking her head sadly* He's no knight in shinning armor, and this *winces* pencil is certainly not the lost treasure of Atlantis, but at least it's a number 2.  
  
Quatre: *Clutching the bottle of Heinz green ketchup too his chest* Okay, who jacked my hotdog?! This isn't kosher!!  
  
Dou: *Rolling the cart where his clients can have access to the condiments, and coyly holding up Quatre's hot dog* Just putting your dog between my buns, Man!!!  
  
Quatre: My dog doesn't want to be between your buns, Precious!! *Violently yanks his hot dog out of Dou's weak grip* I prefer my weenie on a stick!!  
  
Dou: *Eyes shinning* Quatre called me precious!!!!  
  
Trowa: He's gonna regret that one in the morning.  
  
Heather: *Slapping Trowa across the face with a raw hot dog* Cut it out!!  
  
Trowa: Can't cut it out! It grow right back!!  
  
Joanna: *Avoiding Heather's warning look* Trowa's monkey writers strike again…  
  
Trowa: Did what I just say have anything to do with bananas? I don't think so!!  
  
Joanna: You quoted the BABOON from the Lion King, Dude!! Baboons, monkeys, see the connection?  
  
Trowa: Baboons? In the Lion King? I thought that was a movie about caterpillars!!  
  
Joanna: Ash, don't say anything!  
  
Ash: *Makes a puppy face* Little ole me?!  
  
Joanna: Do you really want Satan to come back?  
  
Ash: *Lost in thought… for her, it's unfamiliar, enemy territory* Theoretically speaking, the idea that ice-skating on the "Lake of Fire" could be accomplished is mind-boggling. Wouldn't you agree, Wufei?  
  
Wufei: *Ceases his sword sharpening* Satan's ice-skates were defiantly pimp.  
  
Ash: *Throws her hands up in the air in disgust* America?! Why have you corrupted our Asianess?!  
  
Wufei: Playing Chinese checkers does not satisfy my cultural emptiness!  
  
Joanna: Go buy rice-in-a-can!! How can you say that we have corrupted your Asianess when the vast majority of Americans are addicted to egg rolls?!  
  
Ash: *Yells very politely* That's not true Chinese!! It's like Tex-Mex for Asians!!  
  
Heero: *Squeaking like a rubber duck (tee hee… rubber Heero)* Um, guys… there is water where there wasn't water before!  
  
Heather: Awww… does baby Heero need a dipie?  
  
Everyone: *Laughs loudly until they notice the shark's fin*  
  
Quatre: *Hums the theme to Jaws*  
  
Flipper: * Rises out of the water clapping it's flippers*  
  
Quatre: If you're happy and you know it clap your fins.  
  
Flipper: *Clap clap*  
  
Quatre: Oh the intelligence of animal celebrates to day!!  
  
Flipper: *Rapid clicking*  
  
Quatre: *Shouting in a Superhero voice* What?! Dou is swimming towards the lifeguards who will mock his unsexiness?! Where is Lassie when you need her?! *Leaps onto Flippers back* Hi Ho Silver!!  
  
G-string Actors and ACTRESSES: *Hop onto sperm whales and swim toward Duo… because you wanted to see them wet*  
  
Quatre: *Singing in his best pirate voice* I've a whale of a tale to tell ya lads, a whale of a tale or two!  
  
Joanna: How many tons of sperm do you think we have between our legs?  
  
Heather: More than Dou will ever get!  
  
Ash: Don't be rude, Chica!  
  
Heather: A little niceness from the Queen of Mean? That's a switch!!  
  
Ash: Of course not, Dear Girl. It's more fun being mean to Dou when he's here, and can't figure out how to defend himself!  
  
Dou: Please pardon the brief interruption of the story, Ladies and Gentlemen, but I'd like to ask that all of you with small children leave the theater. Seriouass whooping is about to commence.  
  
*All the sperm whales and Flipper arrive at the part of the ocean where Dou is trying to come onto the lifeguards*  
  
Eric: You would not believe how sick I am of doing CPR on dummies.  
  
*His fellow lifeguards look at him with indescribable contempt*  
  
Eric: *Doggy paddles back to safety and flashes his pals a lopsided grin* Well, you guys probably have a small idea. *They back away, satisfied* That is, if you stretched your puny imaginations to the limit!  
  
Mouse: *Who, contrary to his nickname, makes Shaq O'Neil look microscopic* I beg to differ! My freshman year in collage, my fraternity brothers initiated me into the group by making me "perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation" on the mummy in the Egyptian Wing at the local museum.  
  
Steve: Stop it!! You're killing me!  
  
Buck: I bet you where just dying to get in there!!  
  
Rolf: Did you tell your mummy?!  
  
Duo: one time at band camp, I stuck a flute…  
  
Phone Message: To find out where Dou stuck a flute, please press 1. To find more information on Eric, or any other non-Gundam related character, please press 2. To prank call someone in another country, please press 3. Enter your selection now. WHY DIDN'T YOU PRESS THE BUTTON WHEN I SAID "PLEASE PRESS___"?!?! YOU CRAZY WOODPUCKER!!!!  
  
Eric: *Running his fingers through his hair* I've been thinking…  
  
Buck: DO I PAY YOU TO THINK?! NO SIR! THINKING IS FOR QUITTERS!! WHO'S THE BRAINS OF THIS OPERATION?!?!  
  
Eric: *Lost in thought, where he meets Ash, and they blow up balloon animals* Well, ummm…  
  
Buck: MY POINT EXACTLY!!!  
  
Eric: *Shakes head to clear the vapors of confusion from his brain* Buck, do you ever get the feeling that you need more out of life than you've been getting?  
  
Buck: Sure. Whenever that happens, I get another hooker.  
  
Eric: That wasn't necessarily what I meant, but… YOU HAVE MORE THAT ONE?!?!  
  
Buck: *Surprised* Doesn't everyone?  
  
Eric: Of course. I'd tell you how many I have, but I don't want to embarrass you.  
  
Buck: Would you be willing to take any more sheep into your flock?  
  
Eric: I guess it depends on how wooly they are.  
  
Dou: *Batting his eyelashes* I'm very wooly, Big Boy!!  
  
Eric: All I really want is to give someone mouth-to-mouth who could give me mouth-to-mouth back!  
  
Buck: I like your definition of CPR, Eric.  
  
Eric: *Exasperated* I am just sick and tired of sucking face with a dummy!!  
  
Buck: What would you rather suck face with?  
  
Eric: *Quickly scopes the area, and points to Ash* THAT!!!  
  
1.1.1.1 Part III  
  
Dou: *Singing off key* Koombiya…  
  
Quatre: *Nudging Flipper faster towards Dou* Why are you singing about unity?  
  
Dou: *In a spurt of "brilliance"* Why are you spanking your dolphin?  
  
Quarter: It's called perpetual motion.  
  
Joanna: *Flicking his nose* Oohh… scientific Quatre!  
  
Trowa: In other words, Quatre's dolphin wasn't swimming fast enough for him.  
  
Heather: So, Quatre has a speed?  
  
Quarter: *Draping his arm around Heather's shoulders* You know it, Baby!!  
  
Heather: Is your speed adjustable?  
  
Quarter: *Winks provocatively* Depends on who's playing with my dials.  
  
Trowa: *Removing Quatre's arm* Unfortunately, it's time for me to turn you off.  
  
Ash: *Had been looking puzzled all this time, but finally the lights came on upstairs* ASH IS CONFUSED!!! FIRST, WUFEI HAD A KIND OF DINOSUAR, AND NOW QUATRE HAS A SPEED!!! IT'S THE GOVERNMENT I TELL YOU!!  
  
Joanna: Ash is right. What's up?  
  
Ash: *Reading Eric's Speedo* ERIC!!  
  
Joanna: Eric is up?  
  
Dou: *Forgetting Quatre's dolphin* Fly me to the moon!!  
  
Wufei: *Watching Ash watching the lifeguards*  
  
Joanna: You gotta hand it to her, Wuzzie. She knows how to get her mac on in the drool department.  
  
Wufei: He's so…so *Struggles to find the right word* so…  
  
Eric: *To Ash* Are your flippers hurting, Baby? 'Cause you've been swimming through my mind all day.  
  
Dou: He's so here!! *Swooning*  
  
Trowa: I'd say "here" pretty much sums is up.  
  
Joanna: Thank you Captain Obvious!!  
  
Trowa: Captain Obvious? Is that some kind of super hero?  
  
Joanna: *Shakes her head sadly* That's it, Trowa. Captain Obvious is one of the X-Men!!  
  
Trowa: Tights and everything?!  
  
Heather: I'd put tights on you any day, Trowa!  
  
Trowa: *Pouting* I may not be your speed.  
  
Heather: Then I guess I'll have to jump start your engine!  
  
Wufei: Lets get one thing straight, Eric *Spits out*! Ash is MY girl! And the only one doing any swimming around here is me when I swim circles around you.  
  
Eric: *Licking his lips at Ash, and Ash shows off her curves to him* I don't see your name on her!  
  
Wufei: *Smiling evilly* I guess she hasn't shown you the tattoo!  
  
Heather: *In disbelief* You told me it was a stick on!!  
  
Ash: *Twirling her hair around her finger* I didn't tell you who stuck it on.  
  
Eric:*Lifting Ash to his shoulders* Why are you wasting your time on this freak show when you could be wading thought the waters of love with me? Come up to my tower, and I'll help you put on sun block!!  
  
Dou: *Jumping up and down in front of Eric* I have a sunburn!! I have a sunburn!! Lather me up!!!  
  
2 Ash: * Waving like Miss America as Eric wades into the water*  
  
Wufei: *Whipping his sword from his bathing suit (I don't know how he got it in there, but that's just Wufei)* I have a sword!!  
  
Eric: *Whipping out his drumsticks (once again, I don't know)* I have drumsticks!!  
  
*Eric and Wufei begin a violent battle with the drumsticks and sword* *Ash feels ignored* *Dou is begging them to stop* *Wufei chops off Dou's braid* *Dou looks more like a flat-chested girl than ever*  
  
Suffer Dude Bob: *To Ash* What do you say you and I make some waves?  
  
Ash: *Smiling brightly* I'd love to catch a ride on YOUR board!!  
  
*They surf off into the sunset*  
  
Heero: Does anyone else realize the irony of this situation?  
  
Elvis: What do you mean, Sonny?! And… WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!  
  
Heero: Ash just left the two guys fighting over her for Suffer Dude Bob, and *Cracks a smile* Dou never did get his lifeguard!!  
  
*Curtain closes*  
  
Dou: Thank you for joining us tonight Ladies and Gentlemen. Everything preformed here on this stage is true, but I would like to correct Heero's final statement. *Smugly* I DID GET MY LIFEGUARD!!!  
  
Eric: You were dressed like a hooker!! Buck can't tell the difference between male and female when he is that drunk!!  
  
Quatre: *Pats Dou in the head* With Dou it is impossible to tell the difference, even when you are sober!! Goodnight everybody!!  
  
*Entire cast takes a final bow*  
  
~Owari~ 


End file.
